Ranting (Sorry)

Sorry I haven't posted in a week. Things have been pretty slow around here. I've had a bad migraine the last few days. I don't have them as often as I did when I was teaching, but when I do have one, it lasts for days and is extremely bad! I can't take any of the migraine meds because of my high blood pressure. So I take Excedrin Migraine and darvacette (not sure 0f spelling). And go to bed with a cold washcloth on my head! They "steal" days of your life!! I'm also having trouble with my car. When my son was alive, he and DD totaled 5 cars. The one I have now is 15 years old. It's really a pretty good car. But now it won't always change out of "park". It might when I go out and first start it, but then when I go somewhere and get back in to leave, it just will not move out of park. I'm scared to drive anywhere unless I'm just going to a drive-through for something! My brother was once a mechanic and he usually fixes things up for me, but he's been real sick and busy with my mom so he hasn't had time yet. I love being retired, but I miss having money to get things fixed!

Also because of my car, I have almost finished 2 charity pieces, but I've run out of some of the threads. I'm afraid to drive to the LNS to get the threads. I might end up having to stay at the store and I'd wind up buying everything she has!! lol I also have 10 squares I need to mail, but again I'm afraid I won't be able to get back home. DD works until 6:00 so everything is closed by the time she gets home. And she's very picky with her car (wish she had been that way when she was driving my cars! lol) and won't let me borrow her car. Since tomorrow is Sat., she and I are going shopping and I'll finally be able to get what I need!

Not being able to drive my car also means I can't visit my mom. She is almost settled in her new apartment that she hates! And I can't visit her. She still drives, but for some unknown reason she can't seem to drive to my house! When I call her, she puts me through guilt trips. She has always been able to do this to me. I know I say, "I'm sorry" more that any other person in the world! And now my brother, who has only lived in our town for the last 2 years and lived the previous 30 years in Fla. or Tenn. , has started putting me through guilt trips, too. He has been doing everything for Mom since he moved here and really, as far as I'm concerned - it's about time he helped! I have always been the one to take care of Mom and Dad. They were in and out of the hospital for years - mostly my dad. I was the one who stayed with them constantly and took care of them and visited them every few days!

I have had depression since I was a teenager. My 18-year-old son died in a car accident 4 years ago. My dad died 10 months after my son. To say I'm depressed is putting it mildly. There are days when I have to make myself get out of bed! I'm on 2 antidepressants (high dosages) and have anxiety pills for anxiety attacks. My mother thinks I should be "over" my son's death. She loves to argue with me about which is worse - losing your son or losing your husband. I try not to get into this with her, but she won't stop! I've told her that it's not a competition - one is as bad as the other - they're just different kinds of bad. When I want to talk to her about my son and how much I miss him, she says, "Well, what about me! I lost my husband!" So I don't talk about my son with her. She also starts every conversation with "I don't think I'm going to live much longer." She says this to her child who has severe depression! She is in great health for someone 80 years old who has had open heart surgery! My brother and I say she will probably outlive us! I have told her that I wish she wouldn't say things like that, and then she swears she never says things about her dying!!! I try to be optimist and enjoy each day. I've told her that I have learned the hard way that you don't know how many days you have left on this earth! You should live each day like it might be your last! She keeps telling me I shouldn't cross stitch so much. Don't ask me why! Cross stitch is the only thing that keeps me sane!! So that's my life right now: Staying at home, cross stitching, being depressed, having to be put through guilt trips by my mom and brother (and, oh, by the way, there is my sister in all of this who for some reason doesn't call or visit Mom and it doesn't seem to bother her!) I wish I could be like her! Of course, Mom makes excuses for her "bless her heart - she's sick a lot; she's not as smart as you; etc.!!!!!" Boy! I'm really on a rant today, aren't I! I'm sorry, but sometimes you have to rant to someone and I don't have many people I can rant to. I'm going to go cross stitch and watch TV. Oh, by the way, DD has been too busy to take pics of my cross stitch: hence - no pictures! Maybe she'll find time over the weekend! Have a day full of happy moments; and may God bless you!